Goodbye, me

I always lose the fight and then start over from scratch. It’s that thing that I can do that no one else on Earth can do. There is not a single person who can accomplish what I am capable of accomplishing. I just wish that the act in question didn’t always seem to be so trivial.

Likewise, there is no one on Earth with the authority to intervene or alter the course of where I am heading. It’s a source of both comfort and frustration.

It’s time to leave. It’s time to start over. It’s time to feel good about things again.

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With the summer quite nearly in its conclusion

We were drinking the beer she brought and the pizza that I had procured in the living room when we revisited the conversation topic of her nicotine habit.

“Let’s go out on the porch and smoke that leftover pack of cigarettes you got,” she concluded.

I couldn’t find the pack of Ligget’s Select that I had purchased months ago on the date of my ATC test. But the pack of Marlboro Lights that Tony had entrusted to my care were still on the headboard in my room.

“I haven’t smoked Marboro Lights in years,” she complained as I lit up the end of her cigarette with a lime-green butane lighter that I couldn’t remember acquiring.

We talked about the improbability of the lighter’s shape– it was as long as a knife handle and narrow as a set of chopsticks. We talked about church and how hard it is to relate to most Christians.

“I’m so glad I found someone to smoke with,” she said.

“I only smoke when I’m drinking,” I replied as I raised my bottle.

We talked about how nice it is that there are actual crimes in Oakland for the police to worry about, rather than the porch-bound activities of two kids hanging out past midnight. Before I realized it, Tony was walking up the stairs, having returned from what was presumably a long day in the office.

“Did you get my message?” he asked. “Sorry, I stole your Liggets. Now that the marathon is over, I’ve started smoking again.”

“That’s okay,” I said. “I still got the Marlboros you gave me.”

Tony took a cigarette and declined a beer, reiterating his policy of remaining a teetotaler when outside the company of his company. He went back inside the apartment to put away his jacket and the conversation changed subtly between his absence and his return. I struggled mentally to be mindful of not mentioning the occult in Tony’s presence so as not to reopen that particularly fascinating can of worms. Perhaps another time.

We talked about movies- the ones we’ll never see again and the ones we think each other ought to see whether in the theater or on DVD. Lisa and I both exclaimed with excitement when we realized that neither had watched the end of “Requiem for a Dream” and had no intentions or curiosity due to our own varied, yet cohesive, sensibilities.

Tony had to go pass out and I had to fold laundry, so Lisa followed me into my duck-shaped room. I showed her the silhouette while we both laid on my bed and talked about how fun it would be to paint a duckbill, an eyeball and a wing on the ceiling. A pair of legs trailing down the wall.

I folded clothes and sculpted dinos while she thumbed through old sketchbooks that I had pulled off the bookshelf. Every once in a while she would read something aloud and I would make a mental decision not to be embarrassed.  The clay, the books and the clothes got put away and we sat and talked about our families, our sisters and our fathers. Because of the beer or the comfort or both, I started telling stories that I hadn’t thought about in years and I took my glasses off because that’s what I do when I’m trying not to think too much.

It was past 3am and we both decided that she should decline my offer to stay. She thanked me from her car via sms and I passed out immediately, only to be awakened by intermittent text messages as she made her way back home safely.

Everything was as perfect as it could have been and nothing was taken in excess. I just might be starting to figure it out.

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A great day happens in Santa Cruz County

I drove to Santa Cruz today. It’s pretty frickin’ awesome. I seriously have not been here in about two years. What’s up with that? I used to come down here all the time and hang out with Ryan and Lauren. Well, I made up for lost time today. Besides, I really need to not be in Oakland so much these days.

Hung out on the beach for an hour. Checked out the downtown area. Went to the farmer’s market and cooked delicious dinner with Ryan and Lauren, followed by a viewing of the Dario Argento film, “Phenomena”. It was amazing, bizarre and hilarious. I guess I should include a wikipedia or imdb link, but I’m pretty lazy.

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Back from vacation, back to work

It was nice to return to my Oakland routine. Last week was definitely a fantastic way to spend seven days, but it’s good to have the boring stuff to make you appreciate the excitement all the more. Work has been super busy. Everybody wants to eat pizza in the summertime.

I have a much clearer thought process now. I’ve got ideas for new projects, I’m feeling much less self-absorbed, my time-management issues are dissipating and I feel more confident about what might happen to me in the second half of 2008. It’s definitely a big change from where I was at in January. All I gotta do is figure out how to ride this momentum and get some shit accomplished. I guess I should be mindful of what are the usual distractions/indulgences that lead me away when I get on the right path. The worst part is that there is virtually no dichotomy between distractions and indulgences where I’m concerned. So I guess what I’m saying is that I gotta be disciplined, yo.

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a day with family

Went to the beach with my grandparents today. It was nice. Got to walk around on the shore for about ten minutes. Ate lunch at some place called Mo’s.

Drove through some kind of corridor with lots of trees, etc. Got out to Newport and headed back to Salem. On the way into Philomath, saw a dude walking along the side of the highway, dressed all in day-glo green, carrying a 10-foot cross over his shoulder. The cross had wheels so that it wasn’t so hard to lug down the road for all the miles he must have traveled on foot. I have absolutely no idea what that was about.

Got home, baked bread and ate dinner. Currently watching Fox news. Leaving for Red Bluff tomorrow, first thing in the morning.

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last leg of the vacation

I’m in Salem now, hanging out with my Grandparents. We’re going to go to the beach tomorrow. Should be a lot of fun.

Had a good drive today, all the way from Arcata. Stopped for lunch in Grant’s Pass. Did a lot of thinking on the drive. About what, I can’t quite recall.

Should be going to bed soon. Gotta get up early tomorrow for the beach trip.

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the best vacations happen in Humboldt county

Had an awesome day today. Woke up early enough to go jogging before it got all hot outside. Made some dough for pita bread and some seeded whole wheat bread. Went with Kimmy to spend the afternoon on the beach with several beautiful girls. A few of them were lesbians and that was just fine with me. Got to do some lite rock-climbing, explored a tide pool or two and peed in a cave.

Spent the rest of the day with a mousy, yet lovely, college grad who accompanied Kimmy, Chris and I on our afternoon adventures of baking delicious pita bread, driving to Eureka to get Thai food and returning home to make my world-famous brownies.

Wrote three awesome jokes today. The first one involves spraying a girl with a bottle of round-up and shouting, “wilt, bitch!” The second involved splashing my hands in the plate upon which our pad broccoli had been served and shouting, “Broth Fight!” The third was my response to a conversation about how American football actually had very little to do with feet or kicking and should be called something like, “Carry-ball”or “Hold-ball”. My suggestion for a more appropriate name for American football: “Gay porn”.

Stayed up way too late talking about sex,  its consequences and the periods of going without that sometimes ensue. Also discussed how really all is fair in love and war. Tomorrow is going to be filled with delicious crepes in the morning, directly followed by a trip to Oregon. It’s gonna rock.

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Had a good day in Arcata. Baked some bread for Kimmy and Chris. Visited Kimmy at work and was treated to the most delicious/indulgent of free sandiwiches. It paired perfectly with a bottle of Obsidian Stout (my new favorite beer- chocolatey!). Took a huge fucking nap after lunch and woke up in time to meet Kimmy at the grocery store. Bought some grains and oranges and returned home to watch more episodes of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”, sketch a little, draw a lot. Prepared dinner. Orzo and quinoa with broccoli. Added a little butter for flavor and a little sri-racha for even more flavor. Chris came home and we talked some more over dinner, made plans for tomorrow and just enjoyed each other’s company.

Going to the beach tomorrow. Baking brownies tomorrow. Maybe french toast too. Maybe pita bread too. Maybe whole-wheat bread with nuts/seeds mixed in too. We’ll see how it all goes. Should be fun.

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on enjoying my vacation

Maybe it’s just impossible for me to have a good time in the fair city of Red Bluff. I’ve certainly speculated that there are those who can only enjoy themselves within the confines of Tehama County. Perhaps I’ve encountered some sort of inverse-curse in which I get all nervous, antsy and emotionally ridiculous every time I try to just relax. Sure would make a helluva lotta sense outta high school. Anyways, long stories short- hung out with Abbie like I planned. Thought way too much about how precious life and personal friendships are, mixed it together with the off-topic issue of my own personal drama from the past year or so, felt the increased pressure of familial duty due to my sister’s near-death experience and it all resulted with me bawling in front of Abbie and her mother over on 715 Johnson street. Now, me crying is an act which definitely doesn’t mesh well with my personality and any accidental witnesses are baffled beyond measure. I have a 99% success rate of ensuring that people only see me get all emotional like that when it’s a deliberate act to share some sort of turtle-belly aspect of myself. Of course, even then it’s still pretty confusing and most people end up not getting it. The rest of my stay in Red Bluff outside of my ER visit was pretty rad. I really did have a kickass time with Abbie and  her family and would definitely do it again the next time her dad dies. Saw Phil at Starbucks and that was definitely a positive experience. I was incredulous that we ordered the same drink and briefly enjoyed the paranoid notion that it was some sort of psychological maneuver. He showed me his tattoos and I briefly considered showing him my own personal ornamentation, but thought better of it. I declined his offer to attend the birthday party of his new wife’s adopted child, but definitely will have to come back to Crosby Lane to see his new son. Drove along the 299 to get to Arcata last night. It was a new experience. I got to see wildfires for the first time in my life. It was terrifying, even though they were just tiny little brush fires, smoldering on the mountainside. At one point I saw the branchless standing remains of a single oak tree, glowing orange, slowly being gutted by fire. On the other side of beauty, I drove through Weaverville for the first time. That’s where Abbie finished out what was arguably the remainder of her childhood. I would always hear stories about the people and places she encountered there. My glimpse was brief, but I  soaked up enough of the downtown via my peripheral vision that I left the city limits, jealous of the years she had spent in that town and much more thoughtful of the experiences she must have had. In Arcata now. Made phone calls to family to let ‘em know I arrived safely and received phone calls from Abbie so that I could explain my perplexing display of emotion from earlier that day. It went well. I finally told her that I loved her in an awkward, but undeniably platonic way.  Spent last night catching up with Kimmy, making bread, eating delicious sandwiches and telling jokes. Chris came home and we came up with a plan for the next couple of days. I’m definitely on vacation in Humboldt County. Watched a few episodes of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” via the website, Hulu. I got a new addition to my list of favorite shows!  Danny DeVito is frickin’ awesome. I’m going to spend today hanging out in Arcata, watching all the lesbians walk around town and eat free sandwiches at Kimmy’s work. It’s gonna rock.

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I’m done feeling sorry for myself…for now

I spent most of last night at the ER, hanging out with my sister who had totaled her car just before the stroke of midnight. It was a pretty frightening experience. I almost fainted at one point and had to go outside to get some fresh air.

Of course, everything is okay now. She got off with just a few scrapes and bruises, which is inconceivably lucky. It was when the nurse was drawing her blood for the BAC test that I got woozy. They couldn’t find a vein and had to keep poking her arm in different places, despite her cries that it hurt and was upsetting her.

I’m just glad that my sister was okay and that I was home when it happened. I was somewhat distraught that my earlier premonition of a familial car crash came true, but I’m going to diligently chalk that one up to pure coincidence. You know, as sort of a sanity-saver.

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